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The words over the car-stereo speakers hung ripe with tears in my ears. Audrey Assad over Ohio fields. I was driving to DC for break with three other college girls when suddenly the sleepiness that had been conquering me slipped away—and I listened.

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

In less than two months college will be behind me. I’ll be on to the world beyond. I’d always thought that when I graduated college I’d have finally arrived. That four years of classes and deadlines, relationships and missteps would have refined me into something, well, nearer perfection. I would finally be the selfless, brave-hearted Christ-follower I’m supposed to be.

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

Instead I find myself only more keenly aware of my own pride, bitterness, and fear. I see every opportunity missed, every anxious hour, the malicious thoughts and thoughtless words.

Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

As I search for jobs, interview and face over and over how little I control, and as I and the wonderful man in my life pray and seek wisdom in unfolding the next months and years, Audrey’s words strike the strings of my heart and send it heavenward.

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

Will the journey always be like this? If in coming to Christ our hearts of stone are exchanged for hearts of flesh—than every year I feel another chunk of the cold marble of my heart melting into aching, beating sinews. Life’s getting vulnerable. I’m not becoming more independent but learning more deeply my dependency. I am not stronger—only learning that all my strength is His.

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

Lord, deliver me from the fear of the unknown. Deliver me from self-sufficiency, deliver me from thanklessness. Deliver me from searching for what I already have in You.

No, I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

*Set to the lyrics of I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad

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